Monthly Archives: March 2012

The Fuck is the Hunger Games? (How I learned what the Hunger Games are about)

The following is what I learned about the Hunger Games. Now keep in mind that I have not read any of the books nor have I done my research as to what this story is about. The Hunger Games to me is what occurs in front of my fridge.

Without further ado, this is what I learned about the Hunger Games, thanks to my sister (who had just seen the movie) explaining it to me during a car ride.

-So, I guess it takes place in the future. And there are a bunch of districts. Each district is different; like, one is a poor, coal mining district, and one is a fishing district, and one is a bad-ass district that trains and kicks ass.

-Apparently, these districts tried to riot and take over the President and his henchmen, and shit went down. So, the President devised a plan to keep his people in line.

THE HUNGER GAMES IS BORN: Or, in other words, the President decides that once a year, a boy and a girl will be chosen at random from each district. And these kids will all meet up and kill each other until there is one survivor.

-Everyone is forced to watch their friends and family try to survive in the woods…where the games are being held. (I don’t think there are medals handed out…or an award ceremony)

-I guess the “Games” has a host, like Ryan Seacrest (my sister’s exact words) and there is some romantic story going on between the main blonde chick (I volunteer!) and that kid from Journey to the Center of the Earth.

-Oh, in the film,Woody Harrelson plays the blonde chick’s mentor, and Lenny Kravitz does not play his guitar.

-In the end, the two lovebirds kick everyone’s ass and decide to pull a “Romeo and Juliet” and die together, but they are stopped by the American Beauty kid and are both named as winners.

-Also, that creepy kid from American Beauty eats some poisonous berries for defying the President.

-Oh, and another thing. Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend is the blonde chick’s boyfriend in this film.

So, all in all, this looks like a pretty interesting story filled with many recognizable faces.

I’m really glad to have helped all the other people who had no idea what this movie was about.

Happy Hunger Games!


No Applause Needed.

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Scientists Say American Idol Cures Insomnia

Look, I’ve been watching American Idol since season one. Yeah, the days where Ryan Seacrest looked like he had just returned from a Fraternity Rush Event, and when America knew who Dunkleman was. But, as seasons have come and gone, it’s clear to see that Idol has gotten as stale as the bread that I ate this morning since I refuse to throw it out until I see mold growing on it.

And that’s how I treat American Idol; I refuse to throw it out until I see mold growing on someone. This week, contestants were given the task of singing songs out of the Billy Joel songbook. Granted, the pre-teens who watch this show have no idea who Billy Joel is and were just excited to see pretty faces like Colton Dixon and Philip Philips smile, so that they can melt into a pile of pre-teen happiness.

Yes, while Colton “My hair is my child” Dixon and Philip Philips were very fresh, original, and aimed to make their songs sound like their own and modern, other contestants just fell into the fiery pit of staleness. I was cringing when that Deandre Brackensick (you know, the one who allows birds to nest in his hair) sang “Only the Good Die Young.” It felt like it was 1994, and In Living ColorĀ  was plastered on my television.

Sometimes I want to shake the contestants and scream “This is 2012!” Yes, I understand their singing songs by Billy Joel, but they must also understand that people who watch this show have a pulse…and we would like if it kept beating.

Remember when David Cook took Lionel Richie’s huge hit “Hello” and made it his own? Or how about when Adam Lambert put America in a trance (and in an uncomfortable position) when he took Johnny Cash’s “Reign of Fire” and literally made love to himself on stage?

Those were the days. Come on, America! Don’t you want more of these contestants to make love to themselves on stage? I mean, don’t you want these contestants to bring back that spark that this show use to have?


Deandre Agrees.

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