It’s Tuesday, and let’s be honest, we are all just counting the minutes for the weekend to arrive so that we can all rush to our local bar, drink ourselves silly, and talk about how much we hate our bosses and spouses. But, before we go down that wonderful road of judgement and hatred, we must make sure to stop by our local theater to catch a new release this weekend.
You may be surprised to find out what the movie you choose to see this weekend says about you:
Magic Mike: No, this movie is not about a magician, or Michael Jordan, or Michael Jordan trying to be a magician. This movie is about hunky guys losing their clothes and how nuts women go over them.
What It Says About You: You enjoy the beauty and form of the human body. You also enjoy the strip club, but prefer to keep your dollar bills to yourself and still get to enjoy the show because you’re a cheap jerk. You also enjoy seeing men take their clothes off in a nice air-conditioned room, where popcorn and soda can be at your disposal.
Madea’s Witness Protection: Tyler Perry is at it again, but this time he brings something new and fresh: He dresses up as a granny again…but wait…this time, he is protecting a family who has been relocated to her house….and remember, he is dressed up as a granny again.
What It Says About You: You don’t know if you really enjoy Tyler Perry’s movies, but you are willing to subject yourself to another round of Perry as Madea just to make sure. You don’t really like yourself because you are putting yourself through this torture. You also enjoy talking about movies that your friends will never see, and you are willing to run the risk of losing your friends because of the movies you decide to watch.
Ted: Seth MacFarlane makes his big screen debut by having Mark Wahlberg talk to a teddy bear that is alive due to a childhood wish. This is only acceptable because MacFarlane has given a voice to a dog, alien, fish, and a baby.
What It Says About You: You are someone who still fights to convince everyone that Family Guy is still funny. You like making this argument while wiping down your Doritos stained game controller. You also like to make this argument while occasionally taking chugs of your Mountain Dew. You like going to the movies with your friends, but not before making a pit stop at Game Stop. In the theater, you like planting your feet on the chair of the person in front of you, and making unfunny comments throughout the movie.
So, whatever movie you decide to watch this weekend, remember that someone like me will always be here to judge you because it helps me feel better about myself, or something like that. I honestly don’t remember what my therapist said.
Next Week: The Amazing Spider-man, Savages, and Katy Perry: Part of Me.