Monthly Archives: June 2012

Weekend Judgement “Your Movie Pick and What it Says About You” (June 29th – July 1st)

It’s Tuesday, and let’s be honest, we are all just counting the minutes for the weekend to arrive so that we can all rush to our local bar, drink ourselves silly, and talk about how much we hate our bosses and spouses. But, before we go down that wonderful road of judgement and hatred, we must make sure to stop by our local theater to catch a new release this weekend.

You may be surprised to find out what the movie you choose to see this weekend says about you:

Magic Mike: No, this movie is not about a magician, or Michael Jordan, or Michael Jordan trying to be a magician. This movie is about hunky guys losing their clothes and how nuts women go over them.

What It Says About You: You enjoy the beauty and form of the human body. You also enjoy the strip club, but prefer to keep your dollar bills to yourself and still get to enjoy the show because you’re a cheap jerk. You also enjoy seeing men take their clothes off in a nice air-conditioned room, where popcorn and soda can be at your disposal.

Madea’s Witness Protection: Tyler Perry is at it again, but this time he brings something new and fresh: He dresses up as a granny again…but wait…this time, he is protecting a family who has been relocated to her house….and remember, he is dressed up as a granny again.

What It Says About You: You don’t know if you really enjoy Tyler Perry’s movies, but you are willing to subject yourself to another round of Perry as Madea just to make sure. You don’t really like yourself because you are putting yourself through this torture. You also enjoy talking about movies that your friends will never see, and you are willing to run the risk of losing your friends because of the movies you decide to watch.

Ted: Seth MacFarlane makes his big screen debut by having Mark Wahlberg talk to a teddy bear that is alive due to a childhood wish. This is only acceptable because MacFarlane has given a voice to a dog, alien, fish, and a baby.

What It Says About You: You are someone who still fights to convince everyone that Family Guy is still funny. You like making this argument while wiping down your Doritos stained game controller. You also like to make this argument while occasionally taking chugs of your Mountain Dew. You like going to the movies with your friends, but not before making a pit stop at Game Stop. In the theater, you like planting your feet on the chair of the person in front of you, and making unfunny comments throughout the movie.

So, whatever movie you decide to watch this weekend, remember that someone like me will always be here to judge you because it helps me feel better about myself, or something like that. I honestly don’t remember what my therapist said.

Next Week: The Amazing Spider-man, Savages, and Katy Perry: Part of Me.

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Things that May Occur Before Leonardo Dicaprio Finally Wins an Oscar

He will never say it, but Leonardo Dicaprio has been carefully selecting his roles to win that coveted Oscar for years now. In fact, the internet world as caught on and has even poked a little fun at Dicaprio’s jouney (thank Tumblr). But, with Dicaprio’s highly anticipated upcoming roles in “The Great Gatsby” and Quentin Tarantino’s “Django Unchained,” Dicaprio may just win that naked gold man.

Until then, if the trend continues, here are some things that may occur before Leo ever wins that Oscar:

1) Cubs Win the World Series: Okay, this may be exaggerating a bit, but hey, the Cubbies will win….someday. Who am I kidding? I will win an Oscar before the Cubs ever win the World Series.

2) A New Social Website Kicks Facebook into the Dust: While Facebook’s popularity has dipped a tad, it would come has no surprise if a new social website, like….Face-space…or…..Look How Fat Your High School Friends Have Gotten.com, take Facebook’s spot.

3) Jurassic Park 4 is Released: Now I know there has been some recent talks about there finally being some movement on the Jurassic Park front, but let’s be honest, they are moving at a snail’s pace. But hey, you may hear those Dinosaurs roar again, before you hear someone say Leonardo Dicaprio’s name at the Oscars.

4) You Pay off your Loans: Leo may actually have a chance here.

5) Nicki Minaj is Finally Understood by Humans: This one may take a while, as we are far from understanding her, so once again, Leo may have a shot.

Granted, he’s been robbed a few times, but that’s what Leonardo deserves for stealing our hearts in Titanic. And yes, he still has mine, but hell, that little statue will find it’s way into his hands someday.

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Rashida Jones and Andy Samberg are Inseparable

While avoiding my responsibilities and sunlight, I mean, while surfing the web, I came across a little gem of a movie trailer that I’m sure will have me reciting lines from it to people who will give me strange looks.

Now I understand that it is still a little too early to judge whether Andy Samberg will actually have a successful career after recently leaving SNL, but he looks to gel perfectly with Rashida Jones in “Celeste and Jesse Forever” (written by Rashida Jones and Will McCormack). For Samberg’s own good, he should continue to select scripts like this, and stay away from scripts like “That’s My Boy.” I think Samberg has enough talent to steer clear of a career like Chris Kattan, because no one will ever top Corky Romano.

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Potential Suitors for Johnny Depp

Now that one of the most attractive and talented men in Hollywood is single, here are some suitors that would be sure to tame this chameleon of acting:

1) Winona Ryder: Because why the hell not? When these first two first got together in the early 90’s, they were definitely the talk of the town (do people still say “talk of the town?). So, now that these two have matured quite a bit, it would be a great story if these two lovebirds could reunite. Winona could share stories from the past when she was a thief, and Johnny can talk about that time he worked with Tim Burton….Johnny would have a lot of stories about that one.

Bonus Reason: Because there just might be a sequel to Edward Scissorhands.

2) Aubrey Plaza: Yes, I know, shes about 22 years younger than Johnny, but hear me out. She has the perfect blend of sarcasm and dry humor, that would mix well with Johnny’s calm and quiet approach to life. Plus, they are both lovely in interviews, as well as they both have wonderful comedic deliveries.

Bonus Reason: Because Johnny Depp would appear on Parks and Recreation.

3) Lana Del Rey: There are times that I feel that Lana should appear in a movie with Johnny. She has that strange and mysterious aura about her. It is the same kind of mysterious aura that Johnny has perfected so well over these years. While I feel Johnny would have control of most of their conversations, I’m sure Lana would happily oblige, and would be okay with just swaying side to side for him.

Bonus Reason: Because I want to hear Lana write a song about how much she wants to worship Johnny’s skin…or facial hair or one of his fedoras.

4) Rooney Mara:  One of the hottest actors right now, talented, mysterious, and into charity work. I’ve basically described the male version of Johnny Depp. She is very sought after right now for many film roles, but I think she is the one that should be after Johnny’s heart. I mean, don’t you think they would look lovely walking hand in hand in some random European cafe discussing The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and that one movie that Johnny did with Angelina Jolie that nobody saw?

Bonus Reason: Because Johnny Depp would like to hang out with the NY Giants.

5) Tim Burton: I’m sorry. It was inevitable. It had to be done. These two are inseparable. They have done numerous movies together, and I’m sure Tim knows more about Johnny than he knows about his own wife. Plus, anytime someone asks them, “Hey, why are you guys always doing movies together?” Johnny and Tim can both in unison scream “Because we are in love!!!”

Bonus Reason: Because the Love Gods have been planning this all along.

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The Best Way to Read 50 Shades of Grey

Thanks to Jest.Com, horny gals and guys, but mostly housewives who need that jolt of eroticism in their daily life,  can now enjoy 50 Shades of Grey the way it was meant to be enjoyed; by having Gilbert Gottfried seductively read it to you.

Is it too late to put Gilbert Gottfriend’s name in the hat to play Christian Grey’s part in the film adaption?

 

 

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Why Adam Sandler Should Call It A Career

After Adam Sandler’s new movie “That’s My Boy” bombed this past weekend at the box office with only $13 million, I think it’s clear to say that this is one comedian that should begin planning his retirement. Now, while his past movies like “Grown ups,” Just Go With It,” and “Jack and Jill” have been solid hits, it looks as if a new wave of comedians are ready to take and light up Adam’s already burnt out torch from his hands.

For instance, take Adam Sandler’s That’s My Boy co-star, Andy Samberg, a former Saturday Night Live member, as one comedian who is ready to make that next big step into film. Other hot comedians like Jonah Hill, Seth Rogan, and Aziz Ansari are younger, and are more popular with the college crowd.

Long ago were the days of Sandler huge hits like “Big Daddy,” “The Waterboy” “Click” and “50 First Dates.” People have now been subjected too films like “Jack and Jill,” “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan,” and “I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry.” And Sandler’s films have continued to dip in quality; so much that it is now cringe worthy.

While Sandler still has his following, after this recent bomb at the box office, it is easy to see that this great career is slowly, but surely, coming to an end.

No Adam, we are not laughing with you this time.

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