Category Archives: Tom Cruise

Five Things Tom Cruise Should Now Do

Now that Tom Cruise is a puppeteer without a puppet, he probably doesn’t feel like cackling nowadays anymore. But, here are five things that Tom Cruise should do that will surely resurrect that eerie cackle that America and hyenas have grown so fond of.

Start his own religion: Tom has overstayed his welcome at Scientology-Inn, and I think it’s time he start his own cult, I mean religion. It shall be called: Cruisetology. Cruisetology will require all members to wear a white button down dress shirt, and remain in underwear. They will also be required to perfect the “Risky Business” slide, and to include movie lines such as ‘Show me the money” and “You complete me” into their everyday conversations.

Star in a Reality Television Show:  Tom needs to connect to the female demographic again; the same demographic that believe he is some controlling, evil soul stealer that has inspired Stephen King stories for years. If Tom stars in a show, like say, the Bachelor, dozens of women will be forced by cronies to love him. I can see it now, Tom sitting in a cold, steel chair, surrounded by women who will all be reading from a script written by Tom. Instead of roses, Tom will just laugh and clap his hands all night.

Write a Children’s Book: It is time to for Tom to show parents and their kids that he isn’t someone that you should be checking under the bed for. Sure, there are some reports stating that Tom wasn’t the best father, but Tom can change this view of him by simply writing a children’s book. It would be filled with magic, fairies, men in hooded figures, chambers, non-obedient women, and an ending that includes Sir Tom owning everyone!

Star in a Movie About Himself: People need to see the real Tom Cruise, not the recurring nightmare that keeps you up at night. Tom will write, direct, produce, and star in a movie that all about himself. Katie Holmes, Penelope Cruz, and Nicole Kidman will be played by sock puppets, and Suri Cruise will be played by that little girl who thinks her dad is an alien in that car commercial, because it just fits.

Head Back to his Home Planet: Tom needs to finally accept the fact that he isn’t fooling anyone anymore. He is defying age and people will soon begin to realize that he is a real life Doctor Who. Tom needs to go back to his Home Planet of Cru-O, and allow himself to finally be immersed by surroundings that he is familiar and comfortable with.