Category Archives: Weekend Judgment

Weekend Judgement “Your Movie Pick this Weekend and what it says about you” (Aug 10th – Aug 12th)

Now that the Olympics are winding down, and your two week patriotism is wearing off soon, I think it’s time we all head back to the movies. Here are your movie picks for the weekend and what they say about you.

The Bourne Legacy:  Looks like Matt Damon really only needed three films to finally learn who the hell he really was. Now that that’s all taken care of, Jeremy Renner is the new man who has no clue what the hell is going on; in fact, he’s so confused, that he decides to kick everyone’s ass until he learns his true identity.

What it Says About You: You like being the loud one at movies. You always make sure to look at your girlfriend during action scenes to make sure she’s enjoying it as much as you are. You like reciting memorable lines from the film as you’re walking out of the theater; you say them loud enough so that others may hear and hopefully be impressed by your delivery. No, you’re sill not cool, but you appreciate the fact that you can live through cooler characters on film. You love action movies, but you also like your action movies to have some extended scenes of dialogue so that you may tell others that you only watch “intelligent films.”

The Campaign: In a few months, you will have to decide between two hopefuls, and yes, I am talking about American Idol. But, I am also talking about the Presidential election. Until then though, we can just see Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis take jabs at each other for an hour and a half.

What it Says About You:You are indecisive, but hopeful. You like giving people the benefit of the doubt because of what they’ve accomplished in their past. You’re pulling for Will to make you laugh again, and you’re hoping that Zach is more than just the funny fat guy from the Hangover. You watch a lot of Saturday Night Live, mostly the cold openings, so you’ve decided that you know everything about politics. You will never get over Will’s impersonation of George Bush, and you always feel disappointed when he doesn’t do it in any interview.

Hope Springs: A few talented, old actors get together and exchange witty quips with each other. This movie would go well with a cup of tea and some unsalted crackers.

What it Says About You: You have no idea how to use an iPhone. Your Sundays are not complete without a stop at IHOP for some pancakes, after Church of course. Waking up at 7:30am is sleeping in for you. Going to bed at 11:00pm is letting loose for you because it was your birthday. You know where the escalators and bathrooms are at Macy’s. Nothing makes you smile more than a new pair of pleated pants. You don’t understand the strong hate that Crocs receive, as you don’t see a problem choosing being comfortable over being stylish.

But hey now, no one is handing out any medals for this one, so go out and enjoy your movies!

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Weekend Judgement “Your Movie Pick and What is Says About You” (July 6th – July 8th)

Drink the rest of your PBR, use up your sparklers, and finish up those firecrackers; now that you’re done showing how much America truly means to you, it’s time to get set for another weekend of movies. So, let’s buy those overpriced movie tickets, because this is America, and let’s see the movie you choose to see this weekend says about you.

The Amazing Spider-Man: This time around, it’s Andrew Garfield that is donning the Spidey suit, and not Tobey Maguire.  You know the story, an awkward guy overacts every role but somehow lands the role of Spider-Man, and spends most of the film crying and making angry faces. Oh wait…that’s the story of Tobey Maguire…

What it Says About You: You and your three friends enjoy seeing superhero films, while all sitting in a row in the middle of the theater. You like going Roger Ebert on all of them. You enjoy watching superhero films so that you can say that it wasn’t nearly as good as The Avengers, and nothing will ever be. You appreciate the fact that there will be someone who doesn’t know much about superheroes, so that you may verbally destroy them and show them up with your knowledge of superheroes. You enjoy waiting for the end credits to pass, so that you can see a scene that you read about on the internet. You will feel proud for knowing this information, but also nervous about the scene not being good, and therefore disappointing your friends for making them wait.

Savages: Throw in drugs, a shared girlfriend, and the Mexican Cartel and you have my fourth of July. But, you also have ingredients for Oliver Stone’s new movie.

What it Says About You: You are optimistic. You are still pulling for Stone to finally make a film worth viewing. You are aware of other big movie releases, but prefer going against what’s popular, and in turn, alienating yourself from your peers. You are okay watching movies by yourself in an empty theater, and are okay with telling yourself that people just don’t understand films like you do. You like telling people that you knew about certain films way before anyone else took any notice. You pride yourself as a film snob.

Katy Perry: Part of Me: It’s a documentary about Katy Perry. It allows you to really see who she is, which in turn will help you connect with her. It’s the best comedy of the year.

What it Says About You: You are a twelve year old girl. You like making your parents do everything in their power to get you those sought after tickets of a band/artist that you claim to have changed your life. You are the reason backpacks, t-shirts, and phone covers have faces like Jusin Bieber and Taylor Swift on them. You don’t know you’re beautiful. You are the reason I just made that One Direction reference.

There you have it, Folks.  You’re weekly judgement at the hands of me. Enjoy your weekend!

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Weekend Judgement “Your Movie Pick and What it Says About You” (June 29th – July 1st)

It’s Tuesday, and let’s be honest, we are all just counting the minutes for the weekend to arrive so that we can all rush to our local bar, drink ourselves silly, and talk about how much we hate our bosses and spouses. But, before we go down that wonderful road of judgement and hatred, we must make sure to stop by our local theater to catch a new release this weekend.

You may be surprised to find out what the movie you choose to see this weekend says about you:

Magic Mike: No, this movie is not about a magician, or Michael Jordan, or Michael Jordan trying to be a magician. This movie is about hunky guys losing their clothes and how nuts women go over them.

What It Says About You: You enjoy the beauty and form of the human body. You also enjoy the strip club, but prefer to keep your dollar bills to yourself and still get to enjoy the show because you’re a cheap jerk. You also enjoy seeing men take their clothes off in a nice air-conditioned room, where popcorn and soda can be at your disposal.

Madea’s Witness Protection: Tyler Perry is at it again, but this time he brings something new and fresh: He dresses up as a granny again…but wait…this time, he is protecting a family who has been relocated to her house….and remember, he is dressed up as a granny again.

What It Says About You: You don’t know if you really enjoy Tyler Perry’s movies, but you are willing to subject yourself to another round of Perry as Madea just to make sure. You don’t really like yourself because you are putting yourself through this torture. You also enjoy talking about movies that your friends will never see, and you are willing to run the risk of losing your friends because of the movies you decide to watch.

Ted: Seth MacFarlane makes his big screen debut by having Mark Wahlberg talk to a teddy bear that is alive due to a childhood wish. This is only acceptable because MacFarlane has given a voice to a dog, alien, fish, and a baby.

What It Says About You: You are someone who still fights to convince everyone that Family Guy is still funny. You like making this argument while wiping down your Doritos stained game controller. You also like to make this argument while occasionally taking chugs of your Mountain Dew. You like going to the movies with your friends, but not before making a pit stop at Game Stop. In the theater, you like planting your feet on the chair of the person in front of you, and making unfunny comments throughout the movie.

So, whatever movie you decide to watch this weekend, remember that someone like me will always be here to judge you because it helps me feel better about myself, or something like that. I honestly don’t remember what my therapist said.

Next Week: The Amazing Spider-man, Savages, and Katy Perry: Part of Me.

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