Kristen Stewart Vs. Robert Pattinson: Who Do You Support?

While the entire world has been fixated on the Olympics, we have made sure to give some quick looks at another event that has shaken the entire universe…of teenaged girls: Kristen caught cheating on Robert! Yes, while athletes have been winning medals left and right, Kristen made sure to win the medal of shame after being caught cheating on her messy-haired boyfriend.

America’s painfully awkward couple has now awkwardly parted ways. But, loads of people  have had their own say on the  “important” matter; some support Robert, others support Kristen.

If you support Kristen, you sound like this:

” I mean, yes, she got caught cheating on her boyfriend, and yes she had to apologize to America, and by America I mean girls whose biggest decision is not who will get their vote this November, but whether they should be on Jacob’s or Edward’s team. But let’s cut the girl some slack. She has been stressed out from never showing any emotion in any role she has ever made. This was her way of finally letting loose…and being….loose. Her last two men have been a vampire and a werewolf, yet you want to skewer her because she wants some human love?  Have some compassion, people! How would you feel if you had the heart of a heartthrob, made millions of dollars playing your awkward self, and were worshiped by millions of middle school girls who favorite t-shirt is one that has the name of your movie sewn across it?  It’s a lot to juggle, don’t get on the girl for allowing someone else to juggle something of hers.”

If you support Robert, you sound like this: 

“The man found out his girlfriend was cheating on him with the rest of us: through tabloids. Can you imagine him just waking up, putting on his dirty v-neck, brushing  his hair with his hands, and seeing pictures of his girlfriend online making out with someone she met on a movie set? Someone not named Robert. He has every right to kick her out of his house, the same house they shared. The same house they shared awkward conversations every night. Conversations mostly filled with band tees, dirty hair, and white noise. The man is humiliated. I mean, he gave away is surfboard at the Teen Choice Awards. His Surfboard! But he didn’t need it because he thought he had someone he could lean on in Kristen. Little did he know, was that she was leaning on someone else…and something else as well.”

So whether you’re on Kristen’s side or Robert’s side, remember this: Forget about the upcoming elections, the Olympics, or any other world event that is on the news today. No. Make sure you choose a side in the Robert & Kristen drama. Make sure you tell the T-shirt shop whether you want “Team Kristen” or “Team Robert” as well.

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Life of Pi…Comes to Life

After many ups and downs, delays, and years of development, Ang Lee’s adaption of the bestseller “Life of Pi” will finally reach the big screens, and 20th Century Fox has reward us with a trailer that makes me want to be-friend a tiger.

Yann Martel’s bestseller, which was probably the book you chose to read off your summer required reading list, because of how thin and easy it looked to read (it was either this or Five People you Meet in Heaven….you know I’m right) will be released on November 21th.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go adopt a cub.

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Man of Steel Teaser Trailers Released

While Zack Snyder’s version of Superman won’t grace the movie screens until next summer, we have already gotten a taste of what will be one of the most highly anticipated movies of 2013. Two teaser trailers have been released, both featuring the same clips, but with different voice overs. One by Kevin Costner. who plays Superman’s adoptive dad, and Russell Crowe, who plays his biological dad.

While the teaser trailer is less than 2 minutes long, it is beautifully done, and gives off the impression that this Superman film may be more emotional and grounded in realism than it’s predecessors. This does not come as a surprise as Christopher Nolan did produce this film, so it is a safe bet that the “Man of Steel” will also have some feelings.

Henry Cavill will don the iconic “S” on his chest on June 14th 2013.

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Are the 90’s Back?

My time machine worked. It’s the 90’s again, and I have a chance to do things right this time! Well, in reality, the real reason it seems that the 90’s are back is because plenty of familiar faces from that decade will be making a comeback.

Backstreet Boys: BSB (as the cool kids used to call them….but no one does anymore) are reuniting and will be beginning to record a new album that will be released next spring. In order for this to feel like a true comeback, the oldest member of the famous boy band, Kevin Richardson, and his eyebrows, had to come back to his besties. And yes, Richardson agreed to return for one last hoorah. BSB’s (their I go again) new album will coincide with their 20th anniversary, and will always coincide with One Direction fans who have no idea who Backstreet Boys are….we’ll show them…we’ll them all…..

No Doubt: Settle Down, No Doubt is finally back. It’s been eleven years since No Doubt’s last album (Rock Steady) and Gwen and the boys have returned with their single “Settle Down,” which will be part of their new album Push and Shove, released September 25th. While it remains to be seen if their new album will be as successful as their second album Tragic Kingdom, it’s nice too see the popular ska band finally return home.

Green Day: If you’re out buying the new No Doubt album on September 25th, make sure to pick up the new Green Day album, UNO, released that same day; it’s like an adrenaline shot of nostalgia…I may cry. Judging from their first single “Oh Love,” it seems the California based band returned to their “Warning” days, and steered clear from their “American Idiot” days. Regardless, whether their music is politically fueled or not, any day with Green Day music, is a good day.

Matchbox Twenty: Continuing the trend of September releases, Matchbox Twenty will jump on the bandwagon and release their new album North, on September 4th. After a five year hiatus, MBT released their new single “She’s so Mean” and made sure to take advantage of the recent comebacks, and will try to cash in on the recent surge of 90’s bands.

 

So yes, I will be listening to all of these tunes, while playing my Gameboy, eating my DunkAroos, wearing my Ring Pop, and reading Goosebumps.

 

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Who Should REALLY Grace the Judges Table on American Idol

After the recent departures of American Idol judges Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez (Did I miss the parade?) American Idol producers seem to be scrambling to reel in two judges that will: A, interest the young audience they are trying to reach, and B, compete with shows like The Voice and The X-Factor; two shows that are aiming to dethrone American Idol as the number one singing competition.

In order for American Idol to achieve this they need to acquire judges that are relevant, are knowledgeable about the music and/or the music business ( but, not really) and are interesting and entertaining enough to have people actually tune in every week.

Singing competitions isn’t about the talent anymore, it’s about who can get the most interesting judges. So, here are some top notch choices for judges, that would actually have people tuning in to see American Idol.

Russell Brand: Rude, crude, filthy, and was married to Katy Perry: Yes, Brand would be a perfect choice to judge others. I mean, the man played Aldous Snow, the lead singer of Infant Sorrow, in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and was more convincing as a rock-star than half of the musicians today. America’s Got Talent has Howard Stern, but Brand would actually be funny, and can fill the role of obnoxious English judge.

Charlie Sheen: What? You wouldn’t tune into American Idol if Charlie Sheen was a judge? Of course you would. He would bring in liquor, drugs, and probably smell like motel sex. The contestants can see first hand what the music business is really like. And maybe Sheen can dust off some of his old catch phrases that endeared him to us in the first place.

Nicki Minaj: Yes, she may be busy growling, and yes, America may not always understand her while she handed out her advice and tips, but we desperately need someone to replace what Paula Abdul left behind. She’s relevant, and her choice of outfits would be reason enough to tune in. Contestants can also see a good example of what not to be in the music business.

Michael Bublé: Because among Brand, Sheen, and Minaj, we would need someone who could actually offer up some good feedback, and someone who had actual talent. Bublé can play the voice of reason and sanity, and give a bit of credibility to the show (see, it’s all about balance).

If producers can get these four, I am sure that America will run towards their living rooms in droves to watch….for the first week at least.

 

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Ed Helms to go on Vacation?

Get this. Remember the classic “National Lampoon” films starring Chevy Chase? Yes, word is that New Line is trying to reel in Ed Helms to play Rusty Griswold, the son to Chevy Chase’s Clark Griswold, in a new Vacation movie.

Now, this doesn’t really bother me so much, and I can see Ed Helms pulling it off very well. But, I will only see this movie if it includes the following:

-A cameo by Chevy Chase himself: I don’t care when it occurs, or how it occurs. But, Chevy Chase has to appear in this movie.

– Get Randy Quaid from jail, or rehab, or wherever he is staying this week, and get him to be in the movie to. Just tell Randy that the only way the government will leave him alone is by being in this movie. Or just offer him a warm meal. I’m sure he will budge.

-Let Juliette Lewis get in the Fun: Lewis played Randy’s sister in Christmas Vacation, and I think it would be a nice touch if the premise of the movie can include some sort of sibling banter.

As long as the movie has these three things, Ed has my permission to make as many of these mediocre movies as he chooses.

 

 

 

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The Killers Have Run Back into Our Lives

Yes, that title may sound like the heading to a frighting article about murders running rampage, but in reality, it has to do with a certain Las Vegas band finally returning to music.

It’s been four years since the Killers last released their Day & Age album, and with their just newly released single “Runaways,” Brandon and the boys seem to have gone back to their “Sam’s Town” days, with a quick stop at Flamingo (Brandon Flowers Solo Album) boulevard.

Runaways is the first single off of The Killers new album titled “Battle Born” which will be yours to purchase or download illegally on September 14th.

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No Such Thing As Too Many Superhero Movies!

On the heels of Christopher Nolan stating that he will have “no involvement with any Justice League project,” perhaps America will understand his decision, since there seems to be an abundance of superhero related films being released or being developed, and perhaps America is beginning to get tired of them.

Hold for laughs.

No, America has not had enough of superhero films, in fact, we want more of them, and we want them now. The Avengers with over $600 million dollars in domestic box office intake, has become the blockbuster (people still use this term?) of the year, and plans for a sequel are already well on their way. Sequels to Captain America and Thor are on their way, as well as another installment to the Iron Man Franchise.

Fan-boys on their way to see The Dark Knight Rises ^

Not to be out done, The Amazing Spider-Man, was number one this past weekend with over $140 million dollars at the box office, proving that Tobey Maguire is not the only actor that could carry Spidey’s franchise. No need for Batman to feel left out as Nolan releases the final installment to his hugely successful franchise on July 20th, and it is sure to bring the fan-boys out of their bat-caves (mom’s basement).

While Nolan’s anticipated film may be the last big superhero movie of the year, fan-boys will indeed begin counting down the days until Superman makes his triumph return (Oh god…my nerd lingo) in Man of Steel (June 14th 2013).

If America continues to put down cash on their tight-wearing boys and gals, movies of this kind will continue to be released, to know complaints at all. These films are fun, their visually stunning, they capture the attention of every demographic.

But, I don’t know about you, but I think I can do without an Ant-Man Film.

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Five Things Tom Cruise Should Now Do

Now that Tom Cruise is a puppeteer without a puppet, he probably doesn’t feel like cackling nowadays anymore. But, here are five things that Tom Cruise should do that will surely resurrect that eerie cackle that America and hyenas have grown so fond of.

Start his own religion: Tom has overstayed his welcome at Scientology-Inn, and I think it’s time he start his own cult, I mean religion. It shall be called: Cruisetology. Cruisetology will require all members to wear a white button down dress shirt, and remain in underwear. They will also be required to perfect the “Risky Business” slide, and to include movie lines such as ‘Show me the money” and “You complete me” into their everyday conversations.

Star in a Reality Television Show:  Tom needs to connect to the female demographic again; the same demographic that believe he is some controlling, evil soul stealer that has inspired Stephen King stories for years. If Tom stars in a show, like say, the Bachelor, dozens of women will be forced by cronies to love him. I can see it now, Tom sitting in a cold, steel chair, surrounded by women who will all be reading from a script written by Tom. Instead of roses, Tom will just laugh and clap his hands all night.

Write a Children’s Book: It is time to for Tom to show parents and their kids that he isn’t someone that you should be checking under the bed for. Sure, there are some reports stating that Tom wasn’t the best father, but Tom can change this view of him by simply writing a children’s book. It would be filled with magic, fairies, men in hooded figures, chambers, non-obedient women, and an ending that includes Sir Tom owning everyone!

Star in a Movie About Himself: People need to see the real Tom Cruise, not the recurring nightmare that keeps you up at night. Tom will write, direct, produce, and star in a movie that all about himself. Katie Holmes, Penelope Cruz, and Nicole Kidman will be played by sock puppets, and Suri Cruise will be played by that little girl who thinks her dad is an alien in that car commercial, because it just fits.

Head Back to his Home Planet: Tom needs to finally accept the fact that he isn’t fooling anyone anymore. He is defying age and people will soon begin to realize that he is a real life Doctor Who. Tom needs to go back to his Home Planet of Cru-O, and allow himself to finally be immersed by surroundings that he is familiar and comfortable with.

 

 

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Weekend Judgement “Your Movie Pick and What is Says About You” (July 6th – July 8th)

Drink the rest of your PBR, use up your sparklers, and finish up those firecrackers; now that you’re done showing how much America truly means to you, it’s time to get set for another weekend of movies. So, let’s buy those overpriced movie tickets, because this is America, and let’s see the movie you choose to see this weekend says about you.

The Amazing Spider-Man: This time around, it’s Andrew Garfield that is donning the Spidey suit, and not Tobey Maguire.  You know the story, an awkward guy overacts every role but somehow lands the role of Spider-Man, and spends most of the film crying and making angry faces. Oh wait…that’s the story of Tobey Maguire…

What it Says About You: You and your three friends enjoy seeing superhero films, while all sitting in a row in the middle of the theater. You like going Roger Ebert on all of them. You enjoy watching superhero films so that you can say that it wasn’t nearly as good as The Avengers, and nothing will ever be. You appreciate the fact that there will be someone who doesn’t know much about superheroes, so that you may verbally destroy them and show them up with your knowledge of superheroes. You enjoy waiting for the end credits to pass, so that you can see a scene that you read about on the internet. You will feel proud for knowing this information, but also nervous about the scene not being good, and therefore disappointing your friends for making them wait.

Savages: Throw in drugs, a shared girlfriend, and the Mexican Cartel and you have my fourth of July. But, you also have ingredients for Oliver Stone’s new movie.

What it Says About You: You are optimistic. You are still pulling for Stone to finally make a film worth viewing. You are aware of other big movie releases, but prefer going against what’s popular, and in turn, alienating yourself from your peers. You are okay watching movies by yourself in an empty theater, and are okay with telling yourself that people just don’t understand films like you do. You like telling people that you knew about certain films way before anyone else took any notice. You pride yourself as a film snob.

Katy Perry: Part of Me: It’s a documentary about Katy Perry. It allows you to really see who she is, which in turn will help you connect with her. It’s the best comedy of the year.

What it Says About You: You are a twelve year old girl. You like making your parents do everything in their power to get you those sought after tickets of a band/artist that you claim to have changed your life. You are the reason backpacks, t-shirts, and phone covers have faces like Jusin Bieber and Taylor Swift on them. You don’t know you’re beautiful. You are the reason I just made that One Direction reference.

There you have it, Folks.  You’re weekly judgement at the hands of me. Enjoy your weekend!

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