Tag Archives: Humor

Dawson’s Creek: The Movie?

Word on the street is (I honestly don’t go outside so I wouldn’t know what the actual word is) that Tom Cruise forbade Katie Holmes from doing a Dawson’s Creek Reunion movie. Well, now that Tom’s tentacles aren’t holding back Katie anymore, (I really think Tom Cruise would be perfect as an alien in that show Falling skies) I think that it’s time to dust off that reunion movie idea.

So, Movie Studios, here is a check list of the people you would have to reel in (you can just call them, most, if not all, will answer)

1) Katie Holmes: After years of being ruled by Lord Tom Cruise, Katie is finally free to be a human again. So, it’s only fitting that she head back to the show that made her popular. Katie would jump at this opportunity in a heartbeat, and she would gladly paddle up that creek again. Oh Joey, how we have missed you!

2) James Van Der Beek: The show was named after his character, and I mean, it was his damn creek. Producers should have no trouble getting Van Der Beek to sign up on this movie. Plus, I’m sure James would love to finally use his work planner.

3) Joshua Jackson: While Jackson has had some post Creek success, mainly on the modest Fox hit “Fringe,” Pacey needs Joey, as much as Joey needs Pacey. Fringe looks like it’s on his last legs, and Jackson would embrace the idea of staying in the limelight a little bit longer.

4) Michelle Williams: Jen died on the show. That was easy. Now, producers won’t have to beg the most successful post Creek actor to join them. With numerous accolades and Oscar nominations under her belt, it would have been tough to convince the actress to get on board. Good thing they killed her off, huh?

Those would be the main players that producers would have to get. Now, I know what you’re thinking, what about the other actors? Actors like, Mary Beth Peil, Kerr Smith, John Wesley Shipp, and Nina Repeta? Don’t worry, all of these actors would come back in a flash. They would need the money.

Or, producers can rip a page out of Ron Burgundy’s book: “Dawson’s Creek cast! Assemble!”

DO IT FOR DAWSON.

 

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Things that May Occur Before Leonardo Dicaprio Finally Wins an Oscar

He will never say it, but Leonardo Dicaprio has been carefully selecting his roles to win that coveted Oscar for years now. In fact, the internet world as caught on and has even poked a little fun at Dicaprio’s jouney (thank Tumblr). But, with Dicaprio’s highly anticipated upcoming roles in “The Great Gatsby” and Quentin Tarantino’s “Django Unchained,” Dicaprio may just win that naked gold man.

Until then, if the trend continues, here are some things that may occur before Leo ever wins that Oscar:

1) Cubs Win the World Series: Okay, this may be exaggerating a bit, but hey, the Cubbies will win….someday. Who am I kidding? I will win an Oscar before the Cubs ever win the World Series.

2) A New Social Website Kicks Facebook into the Dust: While Facebook’s popularity has dipped a tad, it would come has no surprise if a new social website, like….Face-space…or…..Look How Fat Your High School Friends Have Gotten.com, take Facebook’s spot.

3) Jurassic Park 4 is Released: Now I know there has been some recent talks about there finally being some movement on the Jurassic Park front, but let’s be honest, they are moving at a snail’s pace. But hey, you may hear those Dinosaurs roar again, before you hear someone say Leonardo Dicaprio’s name at the Oscars.

4) You Pay off your Loans: Leo may actually have a chance here.

5) Nicki Minaj is Finally Understood by Humans: This one may take a while, as we are far from understanding her, so once again, Leo may have a shot.

Granted, he’s been robbed a few times, but that’s what Leonardo deserves for stealing our hearts in Titanic. And yes, he still has mine, but hell, that little statue will find it’s way into his hands someday.

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The Best Way to Read 50 Shades of Grey

Thanks to Jest.Com, horny gals and guys, but mostly housewives who need that jolt of eroticism in their daily life,  can now enjoy 50 Shades of Grey the way it was meant to be enjoyed; by having Gilbert Gottfried seductively read it to you.

Is it too late to put Gilbert Gottfriend’s name in the hat to play Christian Grey’s part in the film adaption?

 

 

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Things That Made Us Cry (Happy Tears!) This Week

While you’re grilling in your backyard, hanging at the beach, or talking with strangers on the internet while stuffing your face with food, like I will be doing, check out some things that brought tears to our eyes this week.

1) The Official the Great Gatsby Trailer is Released:

Leonardo Dicaprio was born to play Jay Gatsby, and Carey Mulligan and Tobey Maguire seem to hold their own in Baz Lurhmann’s over the top version of the classic novel. There is glitz and glamor and Jack White belting out U2’s song “Love is Blindness.” To put it simply, this trailer is perfect.

2) Philip Philips Crowned American Idol Winner:

Dave Matthew’s son, I mean, Philip Philips was named the new American Idol winner, beating out sixteen year old, diva in the making, Jessica Sanchez. While there didn’t seem to be a huge celebration, compared to previous seasons, watching Philip breakdown while singing his catchy Mumford and Sons type song “Home,” was definitely a great moment.

3) Anchorman 2 Teaser Trailers:

The mere announcement that there was going to be an Anchorman 2, was enough to leave me in a puddle of my own pathetic fan boy tears. With the teaser trailer released this week, I may just drown.

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REDBOX GOLD FINDS: THE DEAD UNDEAD – VAMPIRES VS. ZOMBIES

You, like me, have probably wondered what would happen if we were overrun by psychotic zombies, and our only hope were a group of vampires who were actually pretty good people. Well, quit your wondering! Because in this installment of Redbox Gold Finds, a glorious film shows us exactly what would transipire.

THE DEAD UNDEAD: VAMPIRES VS. ZOMBIES.

There are just too many wonderful things in this trailer. The fantastic acting, the overload of guns being shot, not to mention the amazing movements from the zombies, who look like they have been trained to star in “Zombie: The Musical.” I mean, look how graceful their movie are.

Personally, my favorite part of the trailer has to be when the vampire army group steps out of the van and Breaking Benjamin’s “Blow me Away” kicks in; because every vampire wielding a machine gun, and killing musically trained zombies, needs a good rock song to really pump them up.

But, with the few lines in the trailer, one just takes the cake: “Great, psychotic vampires that are impossible to kill.” “Not impossible…….(pause)…….(more pause)……..(you know something good is going to be said)…….difficult.” Just think of it as Jason Bourne being bitten by a vampire and is now kicking ass…dead ass…whatever that means.

I think it is pretty fair to say that this piece of B-flick art is GOLD approved.

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Live from New York…The Top Ten People that Should Host Saturday Night Live

By Bryan Brunati

The following list showcases ten people that should lend their services to the iconic comedy sketch show, and put themselves up to be Lorne Michael’s bitch for a week:


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1)  Leonardo DiCaprio: Some people refuse to accept the fact that he may have a funny bone in his body.  While this Oscar nominated actor has blown us away in dramatic roles (The Departed, Blood Diamond, Revolutionary Road) it would be nice to see that he can hold his own on the comedic stage.

2)  Ryan Gosling: He’s graced the sexual fantasies of millions of women and unlike DiCaprio he has shown us that he isn’t afraid to show us his comedy chops (Crazy Stupid Love). Plenty of vaginas would appreciate seeing Gosling on the SNL stage.

3)  Nick Offerman: He’s Ron Fucking Swanson.

4)  Michelle Williams: This lovely Oscar nominated actress has delivered time and time again with extraordinary dramatic performances (My Week with Marilyn, Blue Valentine) but some may forget that she has taken the comedy route before (Dick).  I’m sure Lorne would welcome her with open arms. Plus, Jason Segel would be sure to make a cameo.

5)  Aziz Ansari: Treat Yo’ Self, Aziz. Parks and Recreation has finally put this comedy talent on the map and one can only hope that he would bring his filthy stand up material with him as a host.

6)  Robert Downey Jr.: It’s been 16 years since Downey Jr. hosted Saturday Night Live and that was when he was a drug-fueled douchebag. Sure, Downey Jr. is still kind of a douchebag but now he’s a lovable douchebag, the kind of douchebag that forces us to spend money on his superhero and detective roles. SNL needs a little dose of arrogance and who better than one of the biggest talented tools in the world?

7)  Johnny Depp: Yes I, like you, was shocked to hear that Johnny Depp has never hosted SNL; the man is a chameleon for God sake! He literally carried what was supposed to be a modest hit, The Pirates of the Caribbean, and made it into a global phenomena. Fans would adore seeing Johnny and his best pal Tim Burton take over the SNL stage.

8)  Jennifer Lawrence: She only stars in the biggest movie in the world right now. (Do I even need to list it here?) Aside from the fact that she is delightfully bizarre in interviews, Lawrence has an Oscar nominee label in her back pocket, a strong following, and a future filled with dollar signs. Lawrence is the hot relevant actress that Lorne would love to have on his lap – I mean – stage.

9)  Brad Pitt: If he can find a way to escape his bundle of children for a few months filming a movie, then I’m sure Brad could find the time to make his fans happy and host SNL. Brad Pitt can clearly handle a comedic script and one would only expect him to thrive under the bright live lights of Saturday Night Live.

10)  Will Arnett: Perhaps the most underrated pick on the list, Arnett has always been a talented comedic actor. Most known for his role as Gob on Arrested Development, Arnett has never really gotten over that “hump” like say, Seth Rogen or Jonah Hill. An appearance on SNL could help show people how funny he really is. You know Amy Poehler would be in his corner all night.

So there you have it, Lorne. Now quit getting people like January Jones and Charles Barkley to host and start getting people that audiences actually want to see grace your stage.

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What to watch this weekend: Efron in the marines, Steve Harvey the Guru, and Cruise scales bulidings!

Now it’s time for another installment of “What to Watch this Weekend.” So, before you get high with your friends in a Taco Bell parking lot in honor of 420, make sure to read up on what movies you high-self should view this weekend.

The Lucky One: Looks like all that singing in high school did not change Zac Efron’s mind about joining the Marines. In “The Lucky One,” based on the Nicholas Sparks book, Efron plays a Marine who goes on a search for a woman who he claims was his good luck charm all through his three tours in Iraq. Efron had to gain 18 pounds for this role, and he is probably the prettiest man on the Marines. And pretty people with guns need all the good luck charms they can get their hands on, and in Efron’s case, that good luck charm just happens to be a hot blonde.

Watch it or Drop it?: WATCH IT: Because you still haven’t forgiven yourself for crying during the Notebook, and you want to make sure it was just a fluke.

Think Like A Man: Based on the best seller by Steve Harvey, “Think Like a Man,” involves a lot of black folks bantering about love. No, this movie does not have Tyler Perry’s fingerprints on it. He did not write it, he did not direct it, he did not hang around on set. This is a black comedy that actually has nothing to do with Tyler Perry. And for that, we commend it.

Watch it or Drop it?: DROP IT: While their are a lot of talented comedians in this film, the trailer seems to go the route of the bread on my counter top, meaning the jokes are stale.

* For those who choose to stay at home and get high and drown themselves in junk food, here are some DVD picks that can accompany you.

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol: Tom Cruise returns in another installment to the Mission Impossible series. There will be explosions, hot chicks driving fast cars, and Tom Cruise swinging from building to building for some reason.

Watch it or Drop it?: WATCH IT: The gals have Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, and Josh Holloway. And the guys have another Mission Impossible movie. Done.

Shame:This film is basically about a man who is bummed out because his sister is getting in the way of him getting boatloads of action at every possible opportunity. Yes, that man is Michael Fassbender, and yes, he known for being well endowed.

Watch it or Drop it?: WATCH IT. Because you want to see just how well endowed he is.

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The Fuck is the Hunger Games? (How I learned what the Hunger Games are about)

The following is what I learned about the Hunger Games. Now keep in mind that I have not read any of the books nor have I done my research as to what this story is about. The Hunger Games to me is what occurs in front of my fridge.

Without further ado, this is what I learned about the Hunger Games, thanks to my sister (who had just seen the movie) explaining it to me during a car ride.

-So, I guess it takes place in the future. And there are a bunch of districts. Each district is different; like, one is a poor, coal mining district, and one is a fishing district, and one is a bad-ass district that trains and kicks ass.

-Apparently, these districts tried to riot and take over the President and his henchmen, and shit went down. So, the President devised a plan to keep his people in line.

THE HUNGER GAMES IS BORN: Or, in other words, the President decides that once a year, a boy and a girl will be chosen at random from each district. And these kids will all meet up and kill each other until there is one survivor.

-Everyone is forced to watch their friends and family try to survive in the woods…where the games are being held. (I don’t think there are medals handed out…or an award ceremony)

-I guess the “Games” has a host, like Ryan Seacrest (my sister’s exact words) and there is some romantic story going on between the main blonde chick (I volunteer!) and that kid from Journey to the Center of the Earth.

-Oh, in the film,Woody Harrelson plays the blonde chick’s mentor, and Lenny Kravitz does not play his guitar.

-In the end, the two lovebirds kick everyone’s ass and decide to pull a “Romeo and Juliet” and die together, but they are stopped by the American Beauty kid and are both named as winners.

-Also, that creepy kid from American Beauty eats some poisonous berries for defying the President.

-Oh, and another thing. Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend is the blonde chick’s boyfriend in this film.

So, all in all, this looks like a pretty interesting story filled with many recognizable faces.

I’m really glad to have helped all the other people who had no idea what this movie was about.

Happy Hunger Games!

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No Applause Needed.

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Scientists Say American Idol Cures Insomnia

Look, I’ve been watching American Idol since season one. Yeah, the days where Ryan Seacrest looked like he had just returned from a Fraternity Rush Event, and when America knew who Dunkleman was. But, as seasons have come and gone, it’s clear to see that Idol has gotten as stale as the bread that I ate this morning since I refuse to throw it out until I see mold growing on it.

And that’s how I treat American Idol; I refuse to throw it out until I see mold growing on someone. This week, contestants were given the task of singing songs out of the Billy Joel songbook. Granted, the pre-teens who watch this show have no idea who Billy Joel is and were just excited to see pretty faces like Colton Dixon and Philip Philips smile, so that they can melt into a pile of pre-teen happiness.

Yes, while Colton “My hair is my child” Dixon and Philip Philips were very fresh, original, and aimed to make their songs sound like their own and modern, other contestants just fell into the fiery pit of staleness. I was cringing when that Deandre Brackensick (you know, the one who allows birds to nest in his hair) sang “Only the Good Die Young.” It felt like it was 1994, and In Living Color  was plastered on my television.

Sometimes I want to shake the contestants and scream “This is 2012!” Yes, I understand their singing songs by Billy Joel, but they must also understand that people who watch this show have a pulse…and we would like if it kept beating.

Remember when David Cook took Lionel Richie’s huge hit “Hello” and made it his own? Or how about when Adam Lambert put America in a trance (and in an uncomfortable position) when he took Johnny Cash’s “Reign of Fire” and literally made love to himself on stage?

Those were the days. Come on, America! Don’t you want more of these contestants to make love to themselves on stage? I mean, don’t you want these contestants to bring back that spark that this show use to have?

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Deandre Agrees.

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